You Need to Find Something

For days now, I’ve been trying to write something about overcoming suicide with respect to KADs.

I have about a half page written and you know what? Every single flipping time I read it back, I’m like “yeah, whatever”. Just another person telling someone “pull yourself up”, “it’s not “THAT bad”, “You CAN do it”. “Just tell yourself it’s temporary”. If you’re here with me, you get the point.

No one REALLY wants to actually talk about it. I mean, really talk about it.

I think about what happened nearly 5 years ago almost daily, sometimes multiple times a day. If you think you’ve ever had a “bad day”, try losing a week of memory and then the short term memory “oopsies”. For example, if you tell me 5 things to get from the grocery store, I’ll likely remember 2 if I’m lucky. Then there’s the other medical crap that may or may not be tied to what happened.

I don’t know exactly why the last few weeks have been so hard but they have. Every single day I’ve felt myself slip down a notch and I’m finally left at a point that I haven’t felt in years. Maybe it’s the medical stuff going on, that yet another KAD has committed suicide, several young kids attempting or committing suicide, maybe it’s the kids being out of school, or maybe it’s just the moon phase…?

So here it is. The very short list of what works for me.

I make choices and force myself to follow through and I do mean, FORCE myself. No one else is going to make you do anything. It is very much an individual choice.

I make lists. For everything. I keep calendars because my short term memory is sort of like Swiss cheese and my capacity for writing usually isn’t great. More often than not, the words just aren’t there. It has nothing to do with education level.

I focus on my family. My kids, husband, and yes, even the dog, the yard, the weeds, and the freaky ladybugs who bite.

What I do: I workout. I run. Honestly, I’ll never be “fast” when it comes to running and that’s okay. That’s not why I go and subject myself to the insane 20% incline hills and force myself to run UP them even though my calves are on fire. I go because it forces me to shower. Yes, I know that sounds pretty silly but it does. Pushing myself until I can barely breathe, when every single muscle is screaming “ENOUGH”, it helps. Pain makes us realize we are indeed A-L-I-V-E.

I sew. I pick something out of my current skill set and yes, there are times that I fail but I will make it or a variation, as many times as it takes until I’m satisfied with the outcome. Do they always work out? Absolutely not. Maybe 50% of the time if I’m lucky.

I eat. I eat WHATEVER I want. No, not always. Yes, I use it as a reward because for me, it works. I love food and for a reason, “IT” is something I am subconsciously worried will be in short supply.

As much as I’d really, and I do mean really, wish I could write something that would prevent someone else from attempting suicide, I can’t. What I can tell you is, you have to find something, whatever it is, no matter how small, that makes you want to live. Something that keeps you going. Your kids, dog, the sky, flowers, cars, colors, or fabric even.

So, if you are still today, thank you for being here. Your feelings and thoughts matter. You matter. It’s not easy, I know.

For those that aren’t “here” with me, please don’t judge what you haven’t experienced. We are trying.

Written by KAD Tammy Perillo

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