Holiday Hell

Holiday Hell

I try to get into the holiday spirit every year for the sake of my son. Before him, I tried for my husband and his normal, happy family. I don’t like feeling like a scrooge or ruining other people’s joyous moods, so I spend most of the season disengaging or forcing a smile–which reminds me […]

You’re Not Weak

You’re Not Weak

I’ve been debating whether or not to share my story but I’m doing it in case it helps someone else… particularly other men. Men aren’t supposed to talk about feelings. We’re supposed to be brave supermen who brush things off and grunt with other men. Even taking our anger out on others is more socially […]

The Ongoing War

The Ongoing War

This is a pretty difficult thing for me to do, but I wanted to share in case it could help someone else. People who’ve never experienced this won’t understand it, but those who have, will. I pray that it’ll help you. I’ve struggled with constant thoughts of suicide for a very long time, and learned […]

Nobody Knows

Nobody Knows

Nobody knows how much I struggle with choosing life. It’s an every day fight. I don’t want to bog them down with my heaviness. It feels pathetic to have people worrying about me. But it feels even worse thinking that once they know, they might not care enough to make a difference. I grew up […]

The Rabbit Hole

The Rabbit Hole

I’ve pictured my death in many ways, especially in the last two and a half years; two and a half years after my return from Korea. You know when you can’t take the pain and loneliness anymore? You know when you just don’t give a flying fuck anymore? You know when you just want to give […]

You’re Okay

You’re Okay

When both of my children were babies, I would find myself rocking back and forth even though I wasn’t holding them. Often, when they would cry, I assumed they needed closeness. I would pick them up, place them on my shoulder, gently pat their back, and repeat, “you’re okay,” like a mantra in their ear. […]

Exit Ramps

Exit Ramps

Disclaimer: I have never been diagnosed as suicidal. No one knew I thought about it as much as I did, even the people who probably should have. I didn’t tell them. Very few people would believe me if I told them how glad I was to have the option of self imposed death. It started […]

Keep Your Light On

Keep Your Light On

I put on a brave face to the world but the truth is, every fucking day is an effort. The good days are spent wrestling with gratitude because my experience has shown that it’s only a matter of time before any one of my good fortunes or feelings will prove me a fool for believing […]

You Need to Find Something

You Need to Find Something

For days now, I’ve been trying to write something about overcoming suicide with respect to KADs. I have about a half page written and you know what? Every single flipping time I read it back, I’m like “yeah, whatever”. Just another person telling someone “pull yourself up”, “it’s not “THAT bad”, “You CAN do it”. […]